Writing Again

This will be short, otherwise it'll turn into a procrastination tool.

I graduated on Sunday, Mother's Day. It was a great weekend, though my new shoes blistered my feet and my new dress was hidden beneath my rental gown. I didn't even cry.

I've rested the past few days. Did a little reorganizing, washed some laundry, caught up on sleep and television. The feeling is strange, really -- I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, because I have no homework and no job. But after a little while, I get restless. What if I get a job tomorrow? And I go to work 40 hours a week without getting the chance to rearrange my office or color-code my closet? (Save your snickers for later, color coordination is very efficient.) But then after I start working on these things, I figure they're not that important. After all, there's always tomorrow.

So, today, despite the nagging anxiety that tells me I should be cleaning something, I wrote. It's not a lot, not yet. 305 words of action and description. But I haven't written since Daddy's funeral four months ago.

It feels kind of good now, but the first few words were painful. Physically. The anxiety that crept up was overwhelming. The blank page in front of me wasn't full of endless possibilities, but rather the absence of working out my creative side for so long. Like getting back to running after an injury, I had to stretch, and it hurt at first. But I've pushed through for 305 words and it feels a little better. This is just the first few steps, though. In between reorganizing the garage (which really does need to be done) and vacuuming the whole house, I think I can manage to run a few sprints, metaphorically.

Hopefully I can keep the energy up to finish the race, because I need that satisfied feeling to keep the anxiety at bay. I love writing, and I missed it. I hope I don't have to again.

Milestones

Today would have been my parents' 26 wedding anniversary. Yeah, they've also been divorced for 4 years. But they were best friends afterward, and I honestly think they were on track to get back together. Not for the kids' sake, which is what kept their marriage going when it probably should have ended long ago. But for themselves. And so, despite their 4 year separation, I know my mom is hurting today, on a day she usually celebrated with my dad. It's the first milestone since his death less than 3 months ago. And Sunday will be another one.

My birthday. Daddy used to cook me whatever meal I wanted, no matter how big or ridiculous, for my birthday. He'd try out a new cheesecake recipe every year, and even though I didn't get "gifts," it was always special. In 4 days, I'll be celebrating my birthday without him. I won't be alone, though, thanks to a recent change to my husband's schedule that allows him to be off for my birthday. That's something I guess.

The first year of milestones will be the worst. I know this. The first year of milestones without my grandma, with whom I was extremely close, was devastating. But this is unimaginable. My birthday, my brother's birthday only 3 weeks later, my college graduation 4 days after that, then my little brother's 15th birthday 4 weeks later. ... I just can't fathom any of us going through these big events without our dad, but we're going to have to.

I have a test tonight. A test I really need to get an A in, because I have gotten D's (unheard of under normal circumstances) on the first 2. And I can't concentrate because every random object or sound makes me think of him. I know it'll get easier one day. But that day's not today, and I don't think it'll be anytime soon.

I'm praying for strength to help me through these next 31 days of school, because with my concentration level what it is it'll be a miracle if I can keep my grades up. And the excitement of graduation is dampened by the pain of knowing who won't be there to see it.

That's it for my depressing blog. But I can't help it. If you read this, thanks for listening.

Counting Down...

... to what, exactly?

To walking across a stage in a big black robe, and turning a collection of strings on top a piece of cardboard on my head. Knowing the whole while I still don't have a job because I'm too qualified for the entry-level positions and not qualified enough for the mid-level.

BUT, I'm still excited about it!!! Graduation is 43 days from today. I just have to get through five classes with passing grades (and hopefully better than merely passing!) and then I can breathe a huge sigh of relief. Graduation is near, signaling a chapter in my life complete.

***

I miss my daddy. A lot. I can't believe he won't be standing with me 43 days from now, telling me how proud he is. I know he is proud of me, but it's just not the same.

***

I've gotten my creative juices flowing once again. Yesterday, I dug out all my painting supplies, which haven't been used in, oh, almost 8 years!! I made a not-so-good painting that started out abstract and ended up looking like an 8-year-old drawing a sunset. But, now that I've written that, I realize that it kind of WAS like an 8-year-old's painting, since I haven't painted in 8 years!



Anyhow, so I painted this and while I know it's not great, it made me happy. It gave me the inspiration to play with colors on the three new webpages I'm making, and I'm itching to not only paint more -- really paint this time -- but also to write!

I'm making a list of things to do tonight, since I have yet another night to myself thanks to 4 12-hour shifts my hubby is working this week (in a row!). So far it includes: dinner, paint, write, watch Buffy, do at least 2 pages of writing on each of my Capstone projects, and read half a chapter of Anatomy. I should probably do the ugly stuff first, and save the creative stuff as a reward, huh?

... 43 days. That's it. After that, I can take the "ugly stuff" off my list!

Spring!

I took my last mid-term a couple hours ago and now have 11 days without school! Spring Break rocks (I only wish we got Fall Breaks of a worthwhile length, too)! I get to spend those 11 days with Lillie, who is getting so big so fast.

But, here I am, only 2 hours out from taking my test, and instead of celebrating 11 school-free days, I'm bored. I keep pulling up my school online panel, looking for work to do. After 7 years of college and 12 years of K-12 before that (yes, I realize there are 13 years between K and 12, but I skipped a grade so I only had 12), I guess I don't know how to handle myself when school isn't an issue.

I should probably learn pretty soon, though, because I have only 59 days until graduation, and I've decided to take a year off before grad school. During that year, I hope to make some money to get caught up on bills and live comfortably for a while, instead of stressing about money all the time. And hopefully be enjoying life with a job that allows me to be myself.

But for now, I'm trying to play New Mario Bros on my Wii but it froze up. This is the 2nd game in a row from GameFly to freeze, so either GameFly is shipping me some low-quality items (though they are scratch-free, so it's weird), or my Wii is acting up. Anyhow, without that option... what is there to do? Per my most recent post, lots of things. But I'm so tired I don't have the energy to be too creative. Maybe I'll take my guitar mid-term (yes, it's due in the middle of spring break), or maybe I'll curl up with the Michael Crichton I've been reading (Airframe) and relax.

Yeah.... relaxing.... I think I could do it. Maybe.

Blank Canvas

There's something amazing about a blank canvas. Just moments ago, I opened a brand new, completely fresh document in Dreamweaver, to start brainstorming for a new website. On one hand, there's a sense of being overwhelmed by all the possibilities and not knowing which to choose. On the other, there's all the possibilities.

I read something yesterday while helping my husband with his homework. In Jack Foster's book, "How to Get Ideas," chapters 5 and 6 are about failure and creativity, respectively. Last night, as I spent 6 hours trying to load my website to its server, the lesson about failure really set in -- Without failure, we cannot learn, and we cannot grow creatively because failing forces us to try out new options, find better ways to do something, and draw inspiration from unlikely sources to meet our goals. Which is what chapter 6, Get More Inputs, was about.

The two things Foster emphasizes in Chapter 6 are 1. Get out of your rut, and 2. Learn how to see. He says to try something new, such as learning a new language, taking a new route to work, re-reading an old classic, find a new hobby, go to lunch with someone different, and just all-around shake up your life. In doing so, you will receive new inputs, which ultimately means new sources of creativity.

Reading those chapters inspired me. I already have a new-things list I update every year. This year, I'm already learning guitar and Greek, which have both been on my list for a while. I've met new people, tasted new foods, and learned to think of things differently. And it's only March.

All of this new stuff you experience, whatever it is, goes into the blank canvas. It's up to you to mesh your new inputs with the old stuff you had jangling around in your brain, and the result is the most brilliant thing imaginable -- creativity.

So, I sit here still, with my bright orange screen glaring at me (a quick "color: #f60" made it that way, but I'm sure it'll change once I play around), a guitar propped up against a wooden artists' easel, and my laptop open to Liquid Story Binder, my writer software of choice. And after the brief moment of fright at all the possibilities, I'm now ready to get my hands dirty, make a few mistakes, and see where they lead me. I'm sure I'll learn something new, and that will inspire something else to spring forth.

Creativity is a wonderful thing, a gift I often have taken for granted. Helping my husband, who wants to be creative but not to expand his horizons to do it, with his homework has helped me see that it's not something you're given, like a gene you can't turn off. Creativity is a curiosity to seek out new information to help you fill your blank canvas, and seeing every one as an opportunity instead of an overwhelming task.