Milestones

Today would have been my parents' 26 wedding anniversary. Yeah, they've also been divorced for 4 years. But they were best friends afterward, and I honestly think they were on track to get back together. Not for the kids' sake, which is what kept their marriage going when it probably should have ended long ago. But for themselves. And so, despite their 4 year separation, I know my mom is hurting today, on a day she usually celebrated with my dad. It's the first milestone since his death less than 3 months ago. And Sunday will be another one.

My birthday. Daddy used to cook me whatever meal I wanted, no matter how big or ridiculous, for my birthday. He'd try out a new cheesecake recipe every year, and even though I didn't get "gifts," it was always special. In 4 days, I'll be celebrating my birthday without him. I won't be alone, though, thanks to a recent change to my husband's schedule that allows him to be off for my birthday. That's something I guess.

The first year of milestones will be the worst. I know this. The first year of milestones without my grandma, with whom I was extremely close, was devastating. But this is unimaginable. My birthday, my brother's birthday only 3 weeks later, my college graduation 4 days after that, then my little brother's 15th birthday 4 weeks later. ... I just can't fathom any of us going through these big events without our dad, but we're going to have to.

I have a test tonight. A test I really need to get an A in, because I have gotten D's (unheard of under normal circumstances) on the first 2. And I can't concentrate because every random object or sound makes me think of him. I know it'll get easier one day. But that day's not today, and I don't think it'll be anytime soon.

I'm praying for strength to help me through these next 31 days of school, because with my concentration level what it is it'll be a miracle if I can keep my grades up. And the excitement of graduation is dampened by the pain of knowing who won't be there to see it.

That's it for my depressing blog. But I can't help it. If you read this, thanks for listening.