Columbus, Who?

Today is Columbus Day.

It is a day world-wide nation-wide where people celebrate the joyous occasion of the first discovery of North America select Caribbean islands. The wild partying begins with fireworks

turkey

a festively decorated tree

hidden eggs

a moment of silence

….

How the hell do you celebrate Columbus Day?

Oh yeah, but stopping the mail. And the payment of unemployment checks and child support.

Why? What did Columbus do to deserve such monumental holiday status?

He failed to realize the earth was round, instead insisting it was pear-shaped and as such he could reach Asia quicker by travelling west than east. What did he intend to do when he reached Asia? Enslave the people and get better prices on important fossil fuels silk and gold. What did he do instead, when he reached the Bahamas and later Hispaniola? He carried diseases to the natives, whom he incorrectly called Indians, directly leading to the demise of a whole population. He definitely deserves some celebration, people.

Christopher Columbus discovered an island in the Western hemisphere, went to his grave believing he had found a new route to Asia (even though he didn’t encounter any of the silk or other merchandise that had arrived from Asia in the past), and went down in history as someone who discovered a continent… that had already been discovered by the Vikings.

Granted, many important discoveries were made accidentally – Post It notes, for example. LSD. Plenty of other stuff, I’m sure. But do we give national holidays – days when the unemployed don’t get paid and the waiting don’t get mail – to Spencer Silver or Albert Hofmann? No, we don’t. Why? Because they don’t deserve them. And coming from me, who is obsessed with Post Its, that’s saying something.

Plain and simple, Christopher Columbus doesn’t deserve a holiday. I’m glad he started an era of discovery, but I’m pretty sure America would have been on the map without him… since Leif Erikson had already found it by the time Columbus ever got into his little boat. Really, does every naïve person who stumbles upon something need a holiday?

Next thing you know, we’ll be celebrating Paris Hilton Day, where everyone starves themselves, loses a few hundred brain cells, and proclaims “that’s hot” every five minutes.

Geesh.